We are the people our parents warned us about.
Your wit makes others witty.
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.
So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!
I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
I have won several prizes as the worlds slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’
The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!
Communism must be like one big phone company.
