Communism must be like one big phone company.
I have won several prizes as the worlds slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!
So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse’
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
You know, as a comedian your body has to be I need to think of a better term than up for grabs but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if youre worrying about how you look Vanity is the death of comedy.
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.
I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
