Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!