Joe Martin

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.