Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse’
[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’
You know, as a comedian your body has to be I need to think of a better term than up for grabs but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if youre worrying about how you look Vanity is the death of comedy.
Your wit makes others witty.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’
I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.
I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.
