The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.
I have won several prizes as the worlds slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
You know, as a comedian your body has to be I need to think of a better term than up for grabs but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if youre worrying about how you look Vanity is the death of comedy.
Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
