Emo Philips

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Your wit makes others witty.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.