Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Your wit makes others witty.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.