Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.

It’s the same old story, all you think about is money.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.

Use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren’t allowed to be normal.

I’m bout this shmoney!

Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The two things that can hurt you are if you need money or if you need fame. Those are the things that can be your Achilles’ heel. But if you don’t need money and you don’t need fame, then you’re free.

Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.

Bankruptcy stared me in the face, but one thought kept me calm; soon I’d be too poor to need an anti-theft alarm.

Acting used to be how I paid the rent, but I sold a tequila company for a billion f**king dollars. I don’t need money.