Steven Wright

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.