Jimmy Buffet

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

We are the people our parents warned us about.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.