Paul Desmond

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

I think I had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to sound like a dry martini.

The qualities in music I consider most important are beauty, simplicity, originality, discrimination and sincerity.

I would like to thank my father who discouraged me from playing the violin at an early age.

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player and a special award in 1961 for quietness.

I was unfashionable before anyone knew who I was.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

We are the people our parents warned us about.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!