Sir Edward Appleton

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.