Jay Leno

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.