Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

Django was the definitive genius on the guitar, and the depth of his gift was so spectacular.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

Your wit makes others witty.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.