Woody Allen

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Django was the definitive genius on the guitar, and the depth of his gift was so spectacular.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.