Jimmy Buffett

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.