Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

Money is the representative of a certain quantity of corn or other commodity. It is so much warmth, so much bread.

Money is a handmaiden, if thou knowest how to use it; a mistress, if thou knowest not.

I’ve earned all this money. I’ve worked for it. I didn’t cheat anybody. I didn’t issue junk bonds and put people out of work. I earned it. And I live relatively modestly given my level of success and wealth.

Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlors without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses.

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.

Whoever thinks that money can’t buy happiness . . . just doesn’t know where to shop!

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

If a person gets his attitude towards money straight, it will straighten out almost every other area in his life.

Money doesn’t talk, it swears.

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer

Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.

You can’t borrow your way to prosperity. Look for ways to create value and you will attract money.

Bankruptcy stared me in the face, but one thought kept me calm; soon I’d be too poor to need an anti-theft alarm.