I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’
I have won several prizes as the worlds slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.
Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.
Communism must be like one big phone company.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse’
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!
You know, as a comedian your body has to be I need to think of a better term than up for grabs but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if youre worrying about how you look Vanity is the death of comedy.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
