I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.
Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.
So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!
You know, as a comedian your body has to be I need to think of a better term than up for grabs but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if youre worrying about how you look Vanity is the death of comedy.
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.
I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse’
No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!
I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.
