Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.