We are the people our parents warned us about.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.
Your wit makes others witty.
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
You know, as a comedian your body has to be I need to think of a better term than up for grabs but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if youre worrying about how you look Vanity is the death of comedy.
I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse’
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone
No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.
I have won several prizes as the worlds slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.
Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
