Milton Berle

My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.