Steven Wright

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!