Yogi Berra

Anyone who understands Jazz knows that you can’t understand it. It’s too complicated. That’s what’s so simple about it.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

Your wit makes others witty.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

I really do believe that anything in life – any obstacle or challenge – can be made better with humor.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.