Noel Coward

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

No one looks stupid when they’re having fun!

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

Communism must be like one big phone company.

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.