God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at once.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying ‘I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.’ The other is ‘You want fries with that?’
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet
Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
[on Popeye] If you watch it backwards, it has a plot.
I believe I could do dance on ice, or play in a musical of Freud’s life called ‘It’s Your Mother’ – or maybe one for the symbolists: ‘Jung at Heart’. There’s always the one about India: ‘The Gandhi Man Can’.
[to troops in Iraq] I’m looking at a group of heavily armed people here. I’m telling myself ‘if you’re not funny, it’s a problem’
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision- you either go all the way or forget it.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
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