A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. About comic lines written by Mark Shaiman being removed for innuendo (i.e. Chip ‘n Dale are both strippers”) the week before for his presenting of Best Animated Film at the 77th Academy Awards: “For a while you get mad, then you get over it. They’re afraid of saying Olive Oyl is anorexic. It tells you about the state of humor. It’s strange to think: how afraid are you? We thought that they got the irony of it. I guess not.”
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision- you either go all the way or forget it.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
I believe I could do dance on ice, or play in a musical of Freud’s life called ‘It’s Your Mother’ – or maybe one for the symbolists: ‘Jung at Heart’. There’s always the one about India: ‘The Gandhi Man Can’.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
[on his acting career] All the new people you meet, it’s pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet
And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, ’cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’
Carpe per diem – seize the check.
(While accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting) Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
[on Popeye] If you watch it backwards, it has a plot.
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