Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying ‘I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.’ The other is ‘You want fries with that?’
Politics: ‘Poli’a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and “tics” meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
[on Popeye] If you watch it backwards, it has a plot.
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet
Comedy is acting out optimism.
(While accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting) Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
[to troops in Iraq] I’m looking at a group of heavily armed people here. I’m telling myself ‘if you’re not funny, it’s a problem’
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at once.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
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