Lenny Bruce

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.’

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.