Robin Williams

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

Carpe per diem – seize the check.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, ’cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I’m competitive with anyone who writes a good song – I don’t care if it’s a band or solo artist or whoever.

My mission is to let all women know you don’t have to be like Paris Hilton and shoot a sex tape and three weeks later you have a reality show. You don’t (have) to be like Kim and shoot a sex tape and do Playboy and become this so-called superstar from having a sex tape. Just focus on your talent, the positive things of life that you do!

Dictionary.com defines ‘Amy Poehler’ as ‘results not found. I take that as a testament to your uniqueness.’

Kourtney has a new therapist and a new bf and I don’t really know which one is this problem

Someone once said that to make a regular person laugh, you need to dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs. To make a comedy writer laugh, you have to push a real old lady down the stairs. I don’t know who that’s attributed to. I think it’s Aristophanes. Or Catherine the Great.

I love artists who take risks-I think they inspire everybody else about horrible situations that no one wants to discuss.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

It’s just such a tangled-up issue, the way women present themselves [in comedy]-whether or not they choose to put their thumbs in their panties on the cover of Maxim and judge each other back and forth on it. It’s a complicated issue, and we didn’t go much further on saying anything other than to say, ‘Yeah, it’s a complicated issue and we’re all kind of figuring it out as we go.’

[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.

I was a very confident little kid.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.

I did (training in) tennis, ballet, swing dancing, piano, art class and etiquette. I also did French dialect, but then it was mixing me up with my Southern dialect, so we stuck to Southern!

Thanks jet lag it’s now 4am but I’m still in a 1pm body.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.