John Oliver

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

While some are arguing that Trump might not have meant all those things, that leaves us with two devastating options: either we just elected a President who didn’t mean a single word he said, or we elected one who did.

The crime rates among immigrants once [in the United States] are in relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand given that he has ten of them attached to his miniscule wrists.

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.

I don’t take myself that seriously. I’ve just had a good, big life. It’s a big one.

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with. Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like. That you love cocaine and that you spend every night in orgies with models. If only it were true.

My grandfather was a farmer so I was always raised that you worked very hard whatever your job is; my sister was a teacher. You’re to be respected if you try hard and try to be good at something and the results are less important. You can’t control that. The more important thing is that you tried your best. But now there’s much more of an intention where some of these kids don’t want to be actors, they want to be famous! Their focus isn’t necessarily on craftsmanship.

I have my moments – usually twice every album – when I basically lose it.

That is quite difficult. In the book and also my first introduction of the script is like “an absurdly handsome 17-year-old” and it kind of puts you off a little bit, when you’re trying to act, and you’re trying to get good angles to look good looking and stuff.

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

I couldn’t have asked for a better target than Trump

I believe I was definitely sent down here to take people away for a little while, to make them happy.

I promise you, you’re going to see a new Ye. You’re going to feel the impact of the new relationships and the new ideas and the exposure that I’ve gathered. It’s about to be applied now.

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

When it comes down to the music, it’s just you and the microphone. It’s not you and the record execs.

They (Barnes Theatre Club) were a very good group, and for some reason when I finished the backstage thing, I just decided to that I should try to act. So I auditioned for Guys and Dolls and got a little tiny part as some Cuban dancer or something and then in the next play I got the lead part, and then I got my agent. So I owe everything to that little club.

I’ve just been so lucky, but also I’m acutely aware that I’m only a brushstroke in the whole piece.

I didn’t miss out on a family life because of racing. I had one because of it.