John Oliver

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

No person who does not reside in Canada shall induce electors to vote for or refrain from voting for a particular candidate. And apparently anyone found guilty of doing that could be fined up to $5,000, given a six-month jail term, or both. That is a ridiculous law and I guess what you’re saying, Canada, is do you wanna dance?.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.

I cried, I was so overwhelmed to meet Michael Jackson.

Besides, I’m a gypsy at heart and I like to travel around.

I’ve only met Brad Pitt once before. Well, I didn’t really meet him. I kind of just stood behind him and smelled his hair. It smelled really good.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

I’m a Leo with something odd rising.

I have just been saying whatever the f**k I want. That’s always a breath of fresh air… everyone is so filtered these days. I’m just back to being reckless and being a Southside, Jamaica, Queens, New York rapper

An awful lot of gay pop stars pretend to be straight. I’m going to start a movement of straight pop stars pretending to be gay.

The only thing that I’m scared of is not livin’ up to the expectations of Dr. Dre and Eminem.

I definitely felt like I needed a break, because when you do so much, you’re not able to appreciate the things that you accomplish.

Dictionary.com defines ‘Amy Poehler’ as ‘results not found. I take that as a testament to your uniqueness.’

I don’t believe your soul mate has to share your politics.

News is not a game show. You don’t win a car if you happen to be right.

Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.

Being such a big band is never a problem but it can be distracting.

We’re ride or die. But I don’t accept the way we criticize and judge each other anymore. My personal growth doesn’t allow it.