John Oliver

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, ‘Well, look: you did what you could.’

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

I don’t know how you explain Piers Morgan back to Americans now. I don’t think he ever intended for America to be his home, and there’s a difference between criticising the place you have come to call home and the place you have come to live in for a bit. Ideally, on the Venn diagram between myself and Piers there would be no overlap whatsoever, on either a personal or professional level. If we could be two non-interlocking circles I’d be fine with that. Any comparison with him makes me want to challenge you to a duel.

Our president-elect [Trump] has at various times said he’d bomb civilians, loot oil, and waterboard, which isn’t a military strategy so much as the series of words that Donald Rumsfeld mutters so he can stay hard while he’s masturbating.

[reacting to George Zimmerman’s acquittal] I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

I can’t believe Tina Turner actually was on the same stage. I can’t believe I set foot on the same stage, and it’s going to be an album, people are going to buy it, and it’s going to be a video.

People find out I’m an actress and I see that ‘whore’ look flicker across their eyes.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

Everybody I know in England was raised on Mose Allison.

Even in 2008 – which was probably the most exciting political cycle I experienced while at SNL – there was a sense of a hangover afterwards. But this time, it has been relentless, and we’re only relentless in what we’re doing because [the Trump administration is] so relentless in what they’re doing. So this is all a reactive relentlessness.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

I’m married, you know. I love my husband and I have a child.

Dope never helped anybody sing better or play music better or do anything better. All dope can do for you is kill you – and kill you the long, slow, hard way.

I used to sleep nude – until the earthquake.

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

His (Freddie Mercury) words got better quickly. There were some very overt lyrics. Don’t Stop Me Now is a good example. He was having a good time, and that was very much a cri de coeur. Some lyrics we wrote together like I’m Going Slightly Mad, which was funny. We had fun coming up with daft things, all those ridiculous phrases. I’d say it was Freddie’s actual musicality which was the cleverest thing of all, the notes, and his harmonic structure was quite brilliant. When he wrote The Fairy Feller’s Master-Stroke, on the second album, he was crossing sections of six-part harmonies, and I thought: “Bloody hell, that is tricky stuff.” Then there’s The March Of The Black Queen, which is almost like prog-rock, and so outrageously complicated that I can’t even remember the arrangement myself. When you write songs that complex, you have to work hard at it, and it did invoke a lot of head-scratching. But then he’d come up with Killer Queen or, later on, lots of simple things like Crazy Little Thing. He had it on all sides. Freddie evolved. I always called him ‘the man who invented himself’. I think the talent was innate, but he dug deep inside himself and forced it out. His determination was quite something.

When people apologize to me sincerely, I accept it. It’s really never too late to right your wrongs.

I gossiped when I was given a chance because I wasn’t popular so the few times someone would invite you into the group to have a conversation it was usually about someone else and you just joined in because it was great to be a part of something, and that I feel bad for.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.