John Oliver

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

So, uh, get ready for a barely changed version of Obamacare called Trumpcare, which sounds like a health care plan where doctors feel your breasts for lumps whether you ask them to or not.

[reacting to George Zimmerman’s acquittal] I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

And if you’re thinking, But hold on John, what if I’m an asshole who couldn’t give a shit about America’s hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth? Well, first, let me say, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for taking the time to watch this show tonight. It’s lovely to have you with us.

There wasn’t much sex and drugs… well, there wasn’t much drugs!

This is just to get the kids ready to play. It’s not about the score of the games. We want the boys to learn what they can from this. It helps the coaches see where we’re at and what we need to be working on.

You haven’t been around here long, have you.

Oh God, don’t make me come across as a moaner. I think it’s unacceptable to moan about anything when you’re lucky enough to do what I do. What I’m trying to say is I’m more settled now. The thirties have calmed me down. I know who my real friends are, I know what I want to do. In your twenties, you just do everything. It’s just overload all the time. In the thirties, you learn that it’s OK to go to bed early if you want.

I personally really like getting a proper album with artwork and everything.

I also went to art school and learned to play a piano there, but I play by ear.

I like friends who are honest and loyal. They also shouldn’t be afraid to be a kid. I like having fun.

We need to stop talking about whether women are funny. And we need to acknowledge that black people are funnier than white people. Let’s discuss that.

I guess each relationship is different. That’s what I love about relationships. Even when they end, you’ve learned so very much, so much to take into your next relationship and to take into your life. It’s the greatest thing that comes out of an ending – so it depends on the person.

I’ve just been so lucky, but also I’m acutely aware that I’m only a brushstroke in the whole piece.

I love the ’80s. I’m obsessed with it. I love the hair and the people.

I knew I had to make a sacrifice to do what I’ve always wanted to do.

[In 1969] I thought how awful, this poor girl is being managed by someone who had no respect for her at all… I’ve been her agent since then.

I was born in ’74, so I missed out on all the great early ’60s and early ’70s.

I didn’t really have any idea of what Hollywood was except that it was a place where the made movies.