George Burns

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.

Never spend your money before you have it.

I make no claim to being a business genius. You can make so much money in this business that it loses its value.

What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.

In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.

Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? … No pockets.

I say, not in a braggadocios way, I’ve made billions and billions of dollars dealing with people all around the world.

Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money

Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread.

I have no interest in becoming a tax exile and living somewhere I don’t want to – I just want to be at home with my family.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.