Jackie Mason

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.

You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.

Money is not required to buy one necessity of the soul.

Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlors without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses.

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.

The man who never has money enough to pay his debts has too much of something else.

There comes a point where it doesn’t matter how many zeroes are at the end of your bank account.

Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich

I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money

finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock.

I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams.