Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money

Carpe per diem – seize the check.

Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool’.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.

Money gives me the creeps and mildly embarrasses me. I get paid too much anyway.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?

Philanthropic efforts are among the best rewards you can have for a life well lived.

I’ve earned all this money. I’ve worked for it. I didn’t cheat anybody. I didn’t issue junk bonds and put people out of work. I earned it. And I live relatively modestly given my level of success and wealth.

Money is like muck, not good except it be spread.

A man who pays his bills on time is soon forgotten

Money is the representative of a certain quantity of corn or other commodity. It is so much warmth, so much bread.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.