Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

Fame for fame’s sake is a completely empty experience. Fame should be a by-product (and not necessarily a good one) of achieving something extraordinary.

I don’t like when there’s too much conversation because I’m shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

I rob banks because that’s where the money is.

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.

Steve Jobs didn’t give a shit about money, and I do give a shit about money. I wanted to have a lot of money. I thought it would change my life, which it did, but not in the ways I expected.

I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams.

If money be not they servant, it will be thy master. The covetous man cannot so properly be said to possess wealth, as that may be said to possess him.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

[On Roberts saying ‘I don’t know if I want to give up my whole management company and take it apart.’] Don’t be stupid. I’ll make you more money than you’ve made alone.

Hobbies cost money but interests are free

Money frees you from things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money comes in handy.

It’s the same old story, all you think about is money.

Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlors without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If saving money is wrong, I don’t want to be right!

Money gives me the creeps and mildly embarrasses me. I get paid too much anyway.