Tina Fey

When choosing sexual partners, remember: talent is not sexually transmittable.

I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don’t have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open. The crowd cheers.

We need to stop talking about whether women are funny. And we need to acknowledge that black people are funnier than white people. Let’s discuss that.

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.

I quit driving, I’m not retired.

But with the right kind of coaching and determination you can accomplish anything and the biggest accomplishment that I feel I got from the film was overcoming that fear.

I’m not a mean person, but I have a capacity for it. I have the biting comment formed somewhere in the back of my head – like it’s in captivity. Sometimes people expect that I’m going to be tough. It’s not a bad situation. People treat you better. People are on time.

I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.

I could live without my phone. And one thing I’d love to do is experience having the freedom that kids had back in the ’80s.

Record sales don’t really mean anything. For us, the pressure is imagining some 15-year-old kid in Cincinnati who buys our album and doesn’t feel like he wasted his pocket money.

I was advised by an American agent when I was about 19 to change my surname.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.

If a few companies were less greedy, the people at the bottom woud have a lot more.

It’s OK to quote from your past. But I’m more interested in quoting from my present and pointing towards the future.

[on Mae West] I do think she was a spectacular talent. There’s no question she was a comedic genius, but I did, in person, actually feel like she was some kind of a dockworker in drag.

We drove for the sheer fun of driving because there wasn’t that much money to be made.

I don’t take myself that seriously. I’ve just had a good, big life. It’s a big one.

It’s difficult when you’re successful, to admit that you need help.

My younger sister and I had the same modeling agency.