Tina Fey

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko’s – “You fax these, I’ll let you shave me.” Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says – that I am dumber than a French whore.

I didn’t get on TV until I was 30, which is really fortunate because you are who you are at that point.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

I’ll be ready for it to happen and that way it won’t happen. It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.

I don’t like my feet. I’m not crazy about anybody’s feet. But I have flat feet.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it’s only because I struggle with math.

With my platform, I want to try and do good things and help people.

[on Disney banning junk food adverts] I think when you can get an occupant of the White House behind you, particularly one as formidable and effective and passionate as Mrs. Obama, that can’t hurt

The mall is my life.

Possibly the whole creative whirlwind of any musician’s life is based on garnering and developing and absorbing more and more experience.

I was motivated by just thinking that if you had all this external success that everyone would love you and everything would be peaceful and wonderful.

Find something that makes you happy and go for it!

I’ve really gotten into hip-hop again recently. I’m reliving my childhood. I’ve been listening to a lot of Wu-Tang Clan. I always wanted to be a rapper when I was younger. That’s always what I wanted to be before I started acting.

(On his feud with rapper Ja Rule) Right now he’s desperate. He should be talking about me, not Eminem and (Dr. Dre) and everybody else. He’ll lose, he knows that. The route that he has to take is the “I’m a mad gangsta” hardcore route, and ain’t nobody gonna believe him.

I’m probably the furthest from being romantic that you’ve ever seen; I’m not even close to being romantic in any way until I have to be.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant ‘Irish people.’

As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

The fact that I am a young woman who doesn’t need a man for money. I don’t need a man for a job. I’ve never had to f**k for beats. I’ve never had to f**k for a record deal. I don’t have those pressures. I get up when I want, shop when I want.

I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t been able to hear.

I like someone who’s not afraid to be a kid!