Tina Fey

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in his hat.

They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin, and the same actress, Lisa Ann, played me in the porn version of 30 Rock. Weirdly, of the three of us, Lisa Ann knows the most about foreign policy.

I have to say, I’m really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a socialist.

A lot of times we talk about the politics of it, the unfairness of it, which is all true, but I think it’s clearer to people when you go, ‘Hey, that hurts my feelings.’

I may have had a crush on Zac, but we are like brother and sister, so nothing would ever happen.

You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.

The crowds treat me like my last name. When I go onstage people usually stand up, I never ask them to, but they do. They stand up and they don’t know how much I appreciate it.

I’m the worst at picking what movies are going to do well. I have no idea. I’m really surprised if a movie I like does well.

It’s always great to make a film about people that don’t get along, because you inevitably wind up getting along so well.

In those days I don’t think they were even demos.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

It’s impossible to get along with David Geffen — his mind just moves so quickly. He’s always brighter than everybody else. I kept saying to him, ‘Sweetheart, you have a sweet side to you, a vulnerable side, but then you can be so mean and awful to people. Yeah, people are terrified of David — his temper, his intelligence. He’s not afraid of anybody.

People say that I’m a millionaire, but that’s not true – I only spend millions.

I’m the type to swallow my blood ‘fore I swallow my pride.

First of all, you have to understand that I’m like anybody else. When I hear my voice on a record I absolutely loathe my voice. I cannot stand my voice.

If you’ve got to take it. Take it easy. Never hurry to a date. Eat your supper; let ’em wait.

When I’m playing a character, I use the American accent. But when I go back to England, I just glide right back into Englishness immediately. Every actor uses a dialect coach. Every actor, and if they say they don’t, they’re lying. Everybody does, yeah. You don’t want to worry about it. You have someone listening out to check that you’re not straying.

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies…I’m not really a lawyer.