Tina Fey

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

We need to stop talking about whether women are funny. And we need to acknowledge that black people are funnier than white people. Let’s discuss that.

I think if you ask any of us here, we all dreamed of ending up on Saturday Night Live. I remember thinking, ‘I’ll just keep doing this as long as I can get away with it.’

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?

People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’-but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko’s – “You fax these, I’ll let you shave me.” Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says – that I am dumber than a French whore.

In Los Angeles, they don’t want you to fail, they want you to die.

I think an extreme thing; I adjust it, I adjust it, I adjust it. That’s the way I get to it, but I have to push to, you know, the furthest concept possible.

My little sister Stella partly looks up to me. She depends on me and I always try to set a good example for her.

I never use that word, retire.

No wedding bells for me anymore. I’ve been happily married to my profession for years.

My father’s name is Vernon, and my mother liked the initials double V, so she named my sisters Victoria and Valerie. That’s cool- except when the dogs start getting V names.

So, Alec Baldwin; great actor or greatest actor? I’m gonna say “greatest actor”; Greatest…living…American…actor…in…the Baldwin family…by a mile.

[on the death of Stan Lee] I owe it all to you, Rest in Peace Stan

I love Led Zeppelin, they were four prodigiously talented musicians. The magical combination of Jimmy Page and Robert Plant underpinned by the best rhythm section, John Paul Jones on bass and the best rock n’roll drummer in the world, John Bonham.

I remember when we were talking to one of the executives at the BBC. And he said, ‘Now hold on, this man (David Brent) is so incompetent why wouldn’t he be fired?’ and I said ‘Go and take a look around this building. Just go and knock on a few doors.’

I believe that in life you should always take the serious things lightly and the light things seriously. This attitude of mine gets me into a lot of trouble.

My passion is doing movies, and as long as I keep doing that, I’ll be happy. I want to do movies, fun roles and dramatic ones. I love all of it.

When in trouble, take a bath and wash your hair.

Like many, I don’t watch Saturday Night Live (even though I past hosted it) – no longer funny, no talent or charm. It is just a political ad for the Dems. Word is that Kanye West, who put on a MAGA hat after the show (despite being told “no”), was great. He’s leading the charge!

[To a psychedelic rock sextet call Strawberry Alarm Clock] We’re going to get you six Ed Sullivan shows and we’re going to get you on Janis Joplin’s next tour. [After the meeting on being told by Schiffman ‘David, what are you doing? Six Ed Sullivan shows? Are you kidding? Janis Joplin wouldn’t piss on these people! We are not going to give them any Janis Joplin dates’] If they have another hit, we’ll get them one Ed Sullivan show, and we’ll get them a couple of dates on somebody else’s tour. I don’t care. And if they don’t have another hit, well, f*ck ’em.