Tina Fey

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open. The crowd cheers.

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age.

Mary Tyler Moore was a working woman whose story lines were not always about dating and men. They were about work friendships and relationships, which is what I feel my adult life has mostly been about.

You must not look into that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet. For today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.

The ladies of comedy now are comfortable dressing up. It’s not forbidden anymore.

Personally, I would much rather live and die by my own hand. If my stuff sucks, then at least I made it suck. I didn’t allow some person, some old dude in a suit, to make it suck for me.

I find Hollywood really toxic.

Even though the album is an endangered species, can we try and make a coherent and good one, even if it’s like making a horse and cart at a Nascar conference?

Well, I think you and I have always felt the same way – that we’re Jewish but we can get away with just being exotic. We’re kind of Jews in disguise.

Before our albums are released I feel like we still own it, that we have control over our music. But once it’s out there in the world it’s no longer ours.

My dream job is being a pianist.

The crowds treat me like my last name. When I go onstage people usually stand up, I never ask them to, but they do. They stand up and they don’t know how much I appreciate it.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, ‘Well, look: you did what you could.’

The events between 1968 and 1980 were the kind of cornerstone for everything I’ve been able to do, they gave me the springboard.

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age.

I don’t want to go to another rollercoaster ride of a movie. If I want that, I’ll go to Magic Mountain. I’m really interested in the young directors that are doing different things in cinema. I think the movies people will hold onto are the Rushmore (1998)s and the Being John Malkovich (1999)s. Those are the kind of films I want to do; that’s what I’m passionate about.

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

The whole idea of music, from the beginning of time, was for people to be happy.

Welcome to the MTV Movie Awards I am a bit surprised they asked me to host… and so was MTV. They thought I was Adele.

You can’t fake listening. It shows.