John Oliver

Healthcare is like a pair of gym shorts. Even if it covers nearly all it is supposed to, you’re still left with some problematic gaps and terrible things can happen.

Elections: the only excuse for a grown man to kiss a stranger’s baby and not have the cops called.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

Wow, that is hard to watch. Hi, this is Ted Cruz, just calling to remind you to vote for a man who insulted my wife and said my dad helped kill JFK. Anyway, life has no meaning. Thank you. I want to die.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

Because I talk so much shit they give me overcredit just to shut me up!

You know, I have some issues. But I just love to play different characters all the time, and I try not to repeat myself too much.

I saw Buddy Rich playing. He was wonderful, fantastic. I would say of just sheer technique he’s the best I’ve ever seen.

I dig chicks that have their own careers that have nothing to do with music. Chicks in the music business try to impress you with it.I like models.

You’re better off being a brick layer if you’re going to play guitar than a sheet metal worker.

At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.

I’m just a public-schoolboy. I’ve got a degree. I’m from a middle-class family in Devon. I’ve got no story.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I am John Oliver. And let’s just acknowledge for a moment that this is weird. This looks weird. It feels weird. It even sounds weird. It sounds weird to me and this is my actual voice.

I took piano lessons when I was younger and I’ve been trying to learn how to play the guitar recently. I’d realy like to learn how to play the drums. They’re alot of fun and they require a lot of focus.

I feel like there’s a race being run in Los Angeles for some unattainable goal – to be the best, the skinniest, the most beautiful. I just admit that that’s what I’ll never be.

You don’t waste your entire life waiting to go back to dust.

I read while the kids play. I can see them from the kitchen window. And I’m a fast reader.

I have a certain curiosity for life that drives me and propels me forward.

My younger sister and I had the same modeling agency.

Oh God, don’t make me come across as a moaner. I think it’s unacceptable to moan about anything when you’re lucky enough to do what I do. What I’m trying to say is I’m more settled now. The thirties have calmed me down. I know who my real friends are, I know what I want to do. In your twenties, you just do everything. It’s just overload all the time. In the thirties, you learn that it’s OK to go to bed early if you want.