John Oliver

It’s the 2016 election, and it’s 2015 right now. So I don’t care until we’re in the same year as the thing that I’m supposed to care about.

Elections: the only excuse for a grown man to kiss a stranger’s baby and not have the cops called.

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.

Trump’s presidency is like one of his handshakes: it pulls you in whether you like it or not.

I don’t want to be a babe. I don’t want vanity to ever get in the way, because I think to maintain that, you have to be aware of yourself all the time, and that gets in the way of acting. My job’s not to be the beautiful person. My job is to be the best actor I can be.

No, I don’t talk to Carly – that’s sort of the point about divorce.

I don’t normally do shoots in bikinis – I’m just not that kind of girl. But for ‘Maxim’ I was like, ‘Bring it on!’ I wanted to wear the higher heels and the skimpier bathing suit. I figured I’d go for it!

I have Faith Popcorn on retainer. I’m sorry-what I meant to say is that I have popcorn stuck in my retainer.

I feel like dress socks differentiate you in a different way – especially men in suits who just have the traditional business suit. The dress sock is the way to change it up in your mind and I like wearing my pants up higher so you see them.

You don’t have to be older to live your dreams, you can do it at any age.

I started working on trying to sound like June from the very beginning.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. ‘Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

I know without our fans and the devotion of our fans we wouldn’t be here. I don’t mean to put them down, but I’m just stating a fact that it is hard to play to people that see you all the time and it takes a lot of fun out of it in some ways.

I have to turn down roles I really want to do because I can’t travel. But that’s okay, because you make peace with things in your mind.

Come on now! How could you be me and want to be someone else?

I love old music, old movies, screwball comedies, vintage clothes and basically I’m an old-fashioned gal.

President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.

[about political pundits suggesting Trump be given a chance to be president] Now, in the broadest sense, I get that impulse: hope for the best in the face of very long odds. It’s like we’re on a plane and we just found out our pilot is a wombat.

Denver’s pretty quick. They couldn’t keep up with him in the open field.