John Oliver

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

No person who does not reside in Canada shall induce electors to vote for or refrain from voting for a particular candidate. And apparently anyone found guilty of doing that could be fined up to $5,000, given a six-month jail term, or both. That is a ridiculous law and I guess what you’re saying, Canada, is do you wanna dance?.

[about political pundits suggesting Trump be given a chance to be president] Now, in the broadest sense, I get that impulse: hope for the best in the face of very long odds. It’s like we’re on a plane and we just found out our pilot is a wombat.

That’s right, it was a boy. And finally, we have a member of the royal family with an actual excuse for being a toothless, petulant, useless human being…That one could get me into trouble back home.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

When you’re on your fifth album, you are going to be judged against all your previous work and expectations.

I’ll be a nun, raise my daughter, and make albums.

Possibly the whole creative whirlwind of any musician’s life is based on garnering and developing and absorbing more and more experience.

I’m like one of those firecrackers that goes off in your pocket occasionally. I’m not really struggling with it as much as the people around me. But at least I’m not doing too much damage to anybody or to myself. It’s just the condition I’m aware of.

The women’s movement hasn’t changed my sex life. It wouldn’t dare.

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.

[on the death of Stan Lee] I owe it all to you, Rest in Peace Stan

I was always loud and obnoxious and giggly and funny.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

I couldn’t live without my music, man. Or me mum.

I have no enabler bone in my body – not one. I’m sort of like, ‘Oh, are you going crazy? I’ll be back in an hour.’

It’s also that comedians don’t have the kind of narcissism that actors have. They’re writers who perform their own material. It’s more interesting. And they’re sexy because they risk more. Stand-up comedians risk more than anyone.

I have learned a lot about myself and come to deal with a lot of things that, at first, bothered me.

You shouldn’t throw stones if you live in a glass house and if you got a glass jaw, you should watch yo mouth: cause I’ll break yo face.

I can’t believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it? [pause] The baby starts to come down…and once that happens you can’t-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that’s how I did it.