John Oliver

Last year in L.A. county 150 out of 151 incumbents ran unopposed. And come on. They could at least go through the motions of pretending there was another candidate. Just throw a robe on a pelican and tape a gavel to his wing. Or – I’ll tell you what – you’re in L.A. Just pretend you’re considering Blake Lively for the job. Movie studios do that all the time.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says ‘I don’t give a royal s**t.’

Trump hasn’t said one crazy thing, he’s said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, ‘Well, look: you did what you could.’

D.C. went under federal control in 1801 and it wasn’t until the 1960s that D.C.’s then three quarters of a million citizens, mostly African American, were given even the most basic electoral rights … With that level of restriction the mayor of D.C. gets to run the city the way a school council president gets to run her high school.

I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.

I’ve still got a twinkle in me.

Healthcare is like a pair of gym shorts. Even if it covers nearly all it is supposed to, you’re still left with some problematic gaps and terrible things can happen.

You get the best and the worst of both worlds. I know there were a lot of times when you try to figure out where you fit in. I just realized that it worked to my advantage because I just got along with a lot of people. But to literally be two races, it’s really hard to see color because I’m the gray area. I had to learn about both sides of myself and be really proud of and educated in both.

I’m probably the furthest from being romantic that you’ve ever seen; I’m not even close to being romantic in any way until I have to be.

I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky! Vanessa: (on her mom) She gave up so much for me. She moved many times so I could follow my career. Vanessa: I’ve always had problems with guys!

I think actors have a choice of drawing attention to themselves or living on the outskirts.

The day before the film (Harry Potter) was released, I was just sitting in Leicester Square, happily being ignored by everyone. Then suddenly strangers are screaming your name. Amazing.

I don’t want to wear high heels because I can’t run around with my son. So, for real life, I like to be in jeans and nice-cut shirts. I appreciate good tailoring.

Sometimes we have criticism that is very constructive.

It’s when someone has an agenda of their own for the record that it doesn’t work for me.

A lot of actresses start out modeling because it’s a great way to sort of get your foot in the door. That’s all it is, though. They open the door, and you have to walk through it.

I did audition for “Home and Away”, but they never called me back. I feel I escaped in a way.

I tend to lean on the side of pessimism and I wish I could be more optimistic. I wish I could be better at taking things for what they are – not analyzing them – but just going about my life.

If you have physical attractiveness you don’t have to act.