Tina Fey

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age.

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko’s – “You fax these, I’ll let you shave me.” Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says – that I am dumber than a French whore.

Say Yes. You’ll figure it out afterward.

I think my level of fame will drop back down. I think it’ll recede. In fact, I know it will. That’s life on Planet Earth. And I’m okay with that. Besides getting tables at restaurants and special treatment at the airport, what else is there?

Because we were raised around art and went to museums and the women I grew up around were curvy…there wasn’t this value on skinny, skinny, skinny. Curvy was clearly meant to be the winner. I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.

I’m a big fan of ‘The Office’, both the British and the American versions.

I don’t care what I look like; it’s how people think of me. I do care how people think of me. I want people to say, ‘Oh, she’s nice,’ rather than, ‘Oh, she’s so pretty.’

At the end of the day, I just do my job. I love my art. But I genuinely want to change the world. I’m very generous, and I really want people to see that I am – that’s really it.

While making Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, I had like 50 outfit changes. It was great! I’m real into the whole “girlie” thing, it was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed it.

Back in fifth grade, I was obsessed with Pokemon cards and Beanie Babies! My family and I would be online 4 am in the morning, just to get a new shipment of beanie babies.

Monterey, I remember, but I seem to remember the Fillmore West, that we played the week before Monterey. That was much more memorable for me. The first time in San Francisco. They were good gigs.

Then I got a call the next day from the assistant director saying that they were putting me on a personal training programme. I thought that would be pretty cool, because it would make me take it seriously. It was run by one of the stunt team, who are the most absurdly fit guys inthe world. I can’t even do 10 press ups. I did about three weeks of that, and in the end I think he got so bored of trying to force me to do it that he wrote it all down so that I could do it at home.

Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.

I’m a woman now.

But listen, I’m 29-years-old, I’m really lucky to be there and whatever happens I’ve been really blessed already. I have plenty of awards for this movie and if this was it for me I’d be really content.

I’m really afraid of getting hit by cars, like terrified of it. I’m terrified of crossing streets. I’m also very accident-prone…I think people aim for me.

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.

I must say, as a point of pride, that I didn’t get the job because I was a woman. I got the job because Amy Poehler moved to New York with the Upright Citizens Brigade and I was the next best thing.

When we first started DreamWorks, I said to Jeffrey, ‘We ought to call this new company the Spielberg Brothers. Anything Steven thinks is important, we want to invest in.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it’s only because I struggle with math.

I’m always eager to return to the hospitality of the Southern states….Towns and cities that hold fond memories for me personally, places that gave birth to so much of the music I love.