John Oliver

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

Healthcare is like a pair of gym shorts. Even if it covers nearly all it is supposed to, you’re still left with some problematic gaps and terrible things can happen.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

It’s the 2016 election, and it’s 2015 right now. So I don’t care until we’re in the same year as the thing that I’m supposed to care about.

Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It’s nobody’s favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick.

D.C. went under federal control in 1801 and it wasn’t until the 1960s that D.C.’s then three quarters of a million citizens, mostly African American, were given even the most basic electoral rights … With that level of restriction the mayor of D.C. gets to run the city the way a school council president gets to run her high school.

Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.

I do like to start on time; I like to set the bar high for people.

I’d rather be called King than other things I’ve been called.

I forgot better shit than you ever thought of.

I really wasn’t heavy in high school. But no one feels right in their own skin, particularly in high school.

You don’t need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!

I still like to get carried away – but passively.

I always said marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition. He should be at least fifty years old, and have at least fifty-million dollars.

[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.

I’ve really gotten into hip-hop again recently. I’m reliving my childhood. I’ve been listening to a lot of Wu-Tang Clan. I always wanted to be a rapper when I was younger. That’s always what I wanted to be before I started acting.

The mind is an erogenous zone.

I’ve been using the fan websites as I was acting it, because they know so much about the books, and it’s really helpful as a resource.

I’m a Leo with something odd rising.

I’m a big fan of ‘The Office’, both the British and the American versions.

My vocal style I haven’t tried to copy from anyone. It just developed until it became the girlish whine it is today.