John Oliver

Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.’

[on Trump lying] They are self-serving half-truths from a self-serving half-man who has somehow convinced half the country that sacrifice is the same thing as success.

I like the red carpet. It’s like acting because it’s like a fairytale.

I think too many people look at the arts with a religious outlook. Arts, music, singing and performing, it’s all make-believe.

The ladies of comedy now are comfortable dressing up. It’s not forbidden anymore.

I’m a sucker for those sweeping love stories. When I read the script (The Notebook), I couldn’t stop crying! I just had such a powerful, instantaneous reaction – it was written so well.

I started doing a paper round when I was about 10. I started earning £10 a week and then I was obsessed with earning money until I was about 15.

There’s something timeless and important about making people laugh, about being the right spot in their day.

To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.

I’ve signed breasts and bums. I’ve signed everything!

When was the last time you saw a musical about people at war with each other?

A lot of kids join the army to get a college education. That’s why they do it, and they get sent into these horrible situations.

I quit driving, I’m not retired.

I try to keep my ego at the right size. No matter what, I just do my best to live in an attitude of gratitude.

[on getting the part of Cedric] I knew the casting director from another movie which I did, and they wanted to see me for this part, but I was doing another movie over the casting period, so I ended up seeing Mike Newell and Mary Selway and Fiona Weir – who were casting at the time – before anyone else was seen for casting. And then, I went to do this other movie, and then the day I came back… I got a call back and basically, that’s what happened.

I’ve always wanted to play Maria in West Side Story. My idol is Natalie Wood, and I love the movie, so I think a modern-day twist on it would be really neat.

We’re still trying to break records on the twentieth anniversary of Live Aid. I’ve just heard Bob Geldof has put Phil Collins on a jet to Philadelphia. There’s nothing going on there, we just don’t want him around this year. No I’m joking, of course we didn’t put him on a jet. We stuck him in a catapult. To be fair, he didn’t get very far. Although it worked in rehearsals when we used it on Chris De Burgh. I could do a whole routine about injuring Phil f**king Collins.