Tina Fey

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it’s only because I struggle with math.

I work, and then whenever I have any other time, I’m with my daughter, and then I go to sleep. I think you basically have to abandon the dreams of having any other adult activities in your life. You have to go to sleep whenever your child goes to sleep. That’s basically how we’re doing it.

When I started on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ I had the choice of wearing contact lenses, which I had never worn before, or glasses, in order to be able to read the cue cards.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open. The crowd cheers.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies…I’m not really a lawyer.

Yeah, I do also think that by the time you are in your forties, what you want to wear and what you think is sexy is not always, like, for another person. It’s what makes you feel good…. Sexy is all relative.

Easter is very important to me, it’s a second chance.

I don’t want to be somebody else.

I feel like dress socks differentiate you in a different way – especially men in suits who just have the traditional business suit. The dress sock is the way to change it up in your mind and I like wearing my pants up higher so you see them.

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

If you really want something, you’ve gotta just do it and not wait for other people to hand it to you.

Well, I think you and I have always felt the same way – that we’re Jewish but we can get away with just being exotic. We’re kind of Jews in disguise.

Lesson learned? When people say, “You really, really must” do something, it means you don’t really have to. No one ever says, “You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.” When it’s true, it doesn’t need to be said.

I do worry – a lot.

No, I was two years older than the other guys. I was a war baby. My family were a lot poorer than they were. I’d had to fight too hard for anything I had in my life and to smash things up for me.

I did Jonathon Ross last year and he said ‘do people do impressions of David Brent?’ and I went ‘well, they can’t really because he’s such a normal bloke’. Then, after the show, me and Ross are walking through the car park and this bloke jumps out and goes ‘der-ner-ner-ner-ner’, does the David Brent dance and runs away. Jonathon Ross was in hysterics: ‘all that shit you came out with and then some bloke jumps out and runs away’. But on the whole it doesn’t really happen.

[on The Who’s performance at Woodstock] It was the worst gig we ever played.

I never use that word, retire.

The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn’t the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.

Ahh, I’m from Canada so… no. I’m a Northern Belle.

Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity.