Tina Fey

I have Faith Popcorn on retainer. I’m sorry-what I meant to say is that I have popcorn stuck in my retainer.

The idea of being in control for the sake of control is not really important to me. If everyone is sharp and doing what they’re doing well, you don’t really need to be in control all the time.

[on Matthew McConaughey] He was always taking his shirt off, he’s like Yeah, here’s my deal, I’m hot.” We had a meeting one day at like 11 o’clock, right before the show and he walks into the meeting shirtless wearing this like old musty sarong… He doesn’t smell great, no.

The ladies of comedy now are comfortable dressing up. It’s not forbidden anymore.

People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’-but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.

If you’re an actor and you don’t get cast in stuff a lot, then put together a show or hold play-reading nights at your apartment. Make your own opportunities.

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

Take it easy, be a sport. Just remeber life is short.

I think a poet is anybody who wouldn’t call himself a poet.

Finding another way to do what I know I can do pretty well. A way that stimulates me. I’m always on some sort of learning curve. If I can continually be surprised then I’m alert.

D.C. went under federal control in 1801 and it wasn’t until the 1960s that D.C.’s then three quarters of a million citizens, mostly African American, were given even the most basic electoral rights … With that level of restriction the mayor of D.C. gets to run the city the way a school council president gets to run her high school.

I’m just a big, hard tool.

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.

I have a suspicion that the definition of “crazy” in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** [sleep with her] anymore.

[to troops in Iraq] I’m looking at a group of heavily armed people here. I’m telling myself ‘if you’re not funny, it’s a problem’

We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.

If I didn’t do what I do, I wouldn’t be as young as I am.

I was labeled a ‘theatre type’ in high school, which made it hard to fit in and feel part of things.

No, I don’t talk to Carly – that’s sort of the point about divorce.

My mother was a gypsy, and she had a lot of dark blood in her, and her hair was very, very thick – she couldn’t even get a brush through it. So I have been very fortunate. And every time I go to cut it off, hairdressers refuse to do it.

That’s exactly what Dale Sr. was going to do. It was, ‘When I quit, I’ve got somewhere to go. I’ve spent my money, made my name. This is where I want to be.’ Junior is in the same suit.