Tina Fey

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. ‘Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open. The crowd cheers.

The ladies of comedy now are comfortable dressing up. It’s not forbidden anymore.

Make Statements also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, “I’m going to be your surgeon? I’m here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it’s only because I struggle with math.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

People find out I’m an actress and I see that ‘whore’ look flicker across their eyes.

[on The Who’s performance at Woodstock] It was the worst gig we ever played.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

I’ve been working so hard, I’m about to have a Mariah Carey.

You don’t need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!

I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’

For my first show at ‘SNL’, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs. This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, ‘Okay, that happened, and I did not die.’ You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

If you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to work at it. You finish each others’ sentences and have the same sense of humor.

Right now, it’s really about my fans knowing that whatever I believed spiritually at the time is what I believed. I just wouldn’t deliberately lie to them just to save my image.

I only mentioned people in Barbie Dreams that I f**k wit. This isn’t a diss. Yikes. This is culture, this is BIGGIE!!!!! New York!!!! This is FUN. Light hearted fun.

I’m a bit of a slag… Some people don’t think it’s very nice, but I don’t care… I’ve got hormones, and sex is there, so why not? Sex is good. Everybody does it, and everybody should!

It is also a testament to the role that Ireland and its citizens have played towards combating world hunger, poverty and under-development in agriculture and rural development,

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

If you keep running, you’ll get something.

I don’t think there’s any way it could have failed. We don’t know failure in this band. We didn’t know failure. We got to know it a little after awhile but at that time there was no such word.