Tina Fey

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.

I am a big Jeff Richmond fan.

When it’s not your gig, you’re like, ‘I’m just gonna go to bed!’

I’ll be ready for it to happen and that way it won’t happen. It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.

I think people fetishize glasses in general. You could put glasses on a rotting pumpkin and people would think it was sexy.

Doing one movie every two years is about all I can handle ’cause, being the creator at ’30 Rock’, my year there starts in the middle of June and goes back around until March.

Tell her: jealousy is a disease, die slow.

All you could do was to see them. We were backstage when the Beatles were on and you could just about hear a noise. It was just literally screaming.

I used to be better looking than this.

I’m tryna stay way away from her. It comes from experience, Im at a point in my life where I feel like Ive done that. At some point you cant drown yourself in that, you have to grow. If I ran into a chick like Kat Stacks I would know what it was.

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.

[on turning down a role in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’] I didn’t really fancy sitting in a hotel room in Los Angeles for nine weeks for two minutes on screen, to be honest. I don’t really want to be an actor. I want to write and direct. I’ve been offered about ten British films. Obviously all shit. I was offered one with Johnny Depp, but again, it was a small character part, and I thought, ‘What’s the point?’ No one’s ever watched someone in seven films for one minute and said, ‘Yeah, give him his own film’…it doesn’t happen.”

[on Kylie Jenner’s cover shoot] I need a half hour to cry

I don’t even have people’s phone numbers. I almost don’t want to have a girlfriend in this environment.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

The things that people do come so easy to me. I could do it in my sleep. But I’m such a perfectionist that when something is too easy to me, I actually feel guilty.

[on shopping] God no! I hate it, absolutely hate it. I can’t stand it, it’s such a drag. So I just tend to wear the same things all the time. I don’t like change anyway.

It’s nice to come home to what’s real.

I didn’t get on TV until I was 30, which is really fortunate because you are who you are at that point.

So, Alec Baldwin; great actor or greatest actor? I’m gonna say “greatest actor”; Greatest…living…American…actor…in…the Baldwin family…by a mile.